Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
