**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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