I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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