and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
