We're facebook friends in real life
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I didn't notice because vodka
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
