Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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