She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
