either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
