the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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