Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
