Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She announced her abortion via fbk
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
