So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
