redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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