In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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