Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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