I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
handjob tips. give me some.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
