I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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