Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
