Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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