If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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