Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
