life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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