connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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