One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
