where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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