im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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