very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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