I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize