Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
