I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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