Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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