Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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