I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
