So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
