She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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