Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
