If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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