I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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