I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
