I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I think my vagina is haunted
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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