if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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