He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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