Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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