The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
