She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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