my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
