I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
