If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
