update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
