My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
