i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have fence marks all over my body
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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