I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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