my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
