I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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