Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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