Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
