If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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