The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
