Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
