I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
