So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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