You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Randomize