Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
